By Sir Arthur Doyle
Thie Idvenchır òv the Blu Càrbùŋcıl
Shírlòc Homz
Biy Sír Arţhır Cònın Doyıl
İy had cauld ıpòn miy frend Shírlòc Homz ıpòn the secınd morniŋ aftır Crismıs, with thie intenchın òv wishiŋ him the còmplımints òv the siezın. Hie wòz lounjiŋ ıpòn the sofa in a pírpıl dresiŋgoun, a piyprac within hiz riech ıpòn the riyt, and a piyıl òv crùmbıld morniŋ paipırz, evıdentlie nyulie stùdied, nier at hand. Bısiyd the couch wòz a wúdın cher, and òn thie aŋgıl òv the bac hùŋ a verie siedie and disrıpyutıbıl hàrd felt hat, mùch the wírs for wier, and cract in sevrıl plaisız. A lenz and a forseps liyıŋ ıpòn the siet òv the cher sıjestıd that the hat had bien sıspendıd in this manır for the pírpıs òv igzamınaishın.
“Yu àr ingaijd,” sed iy; “pırhaps iy intırùpt yu.”
“Nòt at aul. İy am glad tu hav a frend with hum iy can discùs miy rızùlts. The matır iz a pírfıctlie triviel wùn” – hie jírct hiz ţhùm in the dırecshın òv thie old hat – “bùt ther àr points in cınecshın with it wich àr nòt intiyırlie dıvoyd òv intrıst and eavın òv instrùcshın.”
İy sietıd miyself in hiz àrmcher and wormd miy handz bıfor hiz cracliŋ fiyır, for a shàrp fròst had set in, and the windoz wír ţhic with thie iys cristılz. “İy sıpoz,” iy rımàrct, “that, homlie az it lúcs, this ţhiŋ haz sùm dedlie storie liŋct tu it – that it iz the clu wich wil giyd yu in the sılushın òv sùm mistrie and the pùnishmınt òv sùm criym.”
“No, no. No criym,” sed Shírlòc Homz, lafiŋ. “Onlie wùn òv thoz wimzicıl litıl insıdınts wich wil hapın wen yu hav for milyın hyumın bieiŋz aul jòsliŋ each ùthır within the spais òv a fyu scwer miyılz. Imid thie acshın and rieacshın òv so dens a sworm òv hyumanıtie, evrie pòsıbıl còmbınaishın òv ıvents may bie ecspectıd tu taic plais, and menie a litıl pròblım wich may bie striyciŋ and bızàr without bieiŋ criminıl. Wie hav aulredie had ecsperiens òv sùch.”
“So mùch so,” iy rımàrct, “that òv the last sics caisız wich iy hav adıd tu miy nots, ţhrie hav bien intiyırlie frie òv liegıl criym.”
“Prısiyslie. Yu ılud tu miy ıtempt tu rıcòvır thie İyrien Adlır paipırz, tu the siŋgyılır cais òv Merie Sùthırlind, and tu thie ıdvenchır òv the man with the twistıd lip. Wel, iy hav no dout that this smaul matır wil faul intu the saim inısint catıgrie. Yu no Pietırsın, the cımishıner?”
“Yes.”
“İt iz tu him that this trofie bılòŋz.”
“İt iz hiz hat?”
“No, no, hie found it. İts onır iz ùnnon. İy beg that yu wil lúc ıpòn it nòt az a batırd biliecòc, bùt az an intılecshwıl pròblım. And, fírst, az tu how it caim hier. İt ıriyvd ıpòn Crismıs morniŋ, in cùmpınie with a fat gus, wich iz, iy hav no dout, rostiŋ at this momınt in frùnt òv Pietırsınz fiyır. The facts àr thiez: ıbout for ıclòc òn Crismıs morniŋ, Pietırsın, hu az yu no, iz a verie ònıst felo, wòz rıtírniŋ fròm sùm smaul jòlıficaishın and wòz maiciŋ hiz way homwırd doun Tòtnım Cort Rod. İn frùnt òv him hie sor, in the gasliyt, a taulish man, wauciŋ with a sliyt stagır, and carieiŋ a wiyt gus slùŋ ovır hiz sholdır. Az hie riecht the cornır òv Guj Striet, a row broc out bıtwien this strainjır and a litıl nòt òv rùfs. Wùn òv the latır nòct òf the manz hat, òn wich hie raizd hiz stic tu dıfend himself and, swiŋiŋ it ovır hiz hed, smasht the shòp windo bıhiynd him. Pietırsın had rùsht forwırd tu prıtect the strainjır fròm thie ısailınts; bùt the man, shòct at haviŋ brocın the windo, and sieiŋ an ıfishıl lúciŋ pírsın in yunıform rùshiŋ tıwordz him, dròpt hiz gus, túc tu hiz hielz, and vanisht ımid the labırinţh òv smaul striets wich liy at the bac òv Tòtnım Cort Rod. The rùfs had aulso fled at thie ıperıns òv Pietırsın, so that hie wòz left in the pızeshın òv the field òv batıl, and aulso òv the spoyılz òv victrie in the shaip òv this batırd hat and a most ùnimpiechıbıl Crismıs gus.”
“Wich shírlie hie rıstord tu ther onır?”
“Miy dier felo, ther liyz the pròblım. İt iz tru that ‘for Misız Henrie Baicır’ wòz printıd ıpòn a smaul càrd wich wòz tiyd tu the bírdz left leg, and it iz aulso tru that thie inishılz ‘H. B.’ àr lejıbıl ıpòn the liyniŋ òv hiz hat, bùt az ther àr sùm ţhouzındz òv Henrie Baicırz, and sùm hùndrıds òv Henrie Baicırz in this sitie òv ourz, it iz nòt eazie tu rıstor lòst pròpıtie tu enie wùn òv them.”
“Wòt, then, did Pietırsın du?”
“Hie braut round boţh the hat and the gus òn Crismıs morniŋ, noiŋ that eavın the smaulıst pròblımz àr òv intrıst tu mie. The gus wie rıtaind ıntil this morniŋ, wen ther wír siynz that, in spiyt òv the sliyt fròst, it wúd bie wel that it shúd bie eatın without ùnnesıserie dılay. İts fiyndır haz càried it òf, therfor, tu fúlfil thie ùltımit destınie òv a gus, wiyıl iy cıntinyu tu rıtain the hat òv thie ùnnon jentılmın hu lòst hiz Crismıs dinır.”
“Did hie nòt advırtiyz?”
“No.”
“Then, wòt clu cúd yu hav az tu hiz iydentıtie?”
“Onlie az mùch az wie can dıdyus.”
“Fròm hiz hat?”
“Prısiyslie.”
“Bùt yu àr jociŋ. Wòt can yu gathır fròm this old batırd felt?”
“Hier iz miy lenz. Yu no miy meţhıdz. Wòt can yu gathır yorself az tu thie indıvijyulıtie òv the man hu haz worn this àrticıl?”
İy túc the tatırd òbject in miy handz and tírnd it ovır rathır rufılie. İt wòz a verie ordınerie blac hat òv the yuzhwıl round shaip, hàrd and mùch the wírs for wer. The liyniŋ had bien òv red silc, bùt wòz a gúd diel discùlırd. Ther wòz no maicırz naim, bùt, az homz had rımàrct, thie inishılz ‘H. B.’ wír scrauld ıpòn wùn siyd. İt wòz pierst in the brim for a hat sıcyírır, bùt thie elastic wòz misiŋ. For the rest, it wòz cract, icsiediŋlie dùstie, and spòtıd in sevrıl plaisız, aultho ther siemd tu hav bien sùm ıtempt tu hiyd the discùlırd pachız biy smieriŋ them with iŋc.
“İy can sie nùţhiŋ,” sed iy, handiŋ it bac tu miy frend.
“Òn the còntrie, Wòtsın, yu can sie evrieţhiŋ. Yu faiıl, hoyuvır, tu riezın fròm wòt yu sie. Yu àr tu timid in drawiŋ yor infírınsız.”
“Then, pray tel mie wòt it iz that yu can infír fròm this hat?”
Hie pict it ùp and gaizd at it in the pırcyulier intrıspectiv fashın wich wòz carıctıristic òv him.
“İt iz pırhaps les sıjestiv than it miyt hav bien,” hie rımàrct, “and yet ther àr a fyu infírınsız wich àr verie distiŋct, and a fyu ùthırz wich reprızent at liest a stròŋ balıns òv pròbıbilıtie. That the man wòz hiylie intılecshwıl iz òv cors òbvieıs ıpòn the fais òv it, and aulso ferlie wel tu du within the last ţhrie yierz, aultho hie haz faulın ıpòn eavil tiymz. Hie had forsiyt, bùt haz les now than formılie, poyntiŋ tu a mòrıl retrıgreshın, wich, wen taicın with the dıcliyn òv hiz forchunz, siemz tu indıcait sùm eavil influıns, pròbıblie driŋc, at wírc ıpòn him. This may ıcount aulso for thie òbvieıs fact that hiz wiyf haz siest tu lòv him.”
“Miy der Homz!”
“Hie haz, hoyuvır, rıtaind sùm dıgrie òv self rıspect,” hie cıntinyud, disrıgàrdiŋ miy remınstrans. “Hie iz a man hu liedz a sedıntrie liyf, goz out litıl, iz out òv trainiŋ intiyırlie, iz midıl aijd, haz grizıld her wich hie haz had cùt within the last fyu daiz, and wich hie ınoynts with liym criem. Thiez àr the mor paitınt facts wich àr tu bie dıdùctıd fròm hiz hat. Aulso, biy the way, that it iz icstriemlie impròbıbıl that hie haz gas laid òn in hiz hous.”
“Yu àr sírtınlie jociŋ, Homz.”
“Nòt in the liest. İz it pòsıbıl that eavın now, wen iy giv yu thiez rızùlts, yu àr ùnaibıl tu sie how thay àr ıtaind?”
“İy hav no dout that iy am verie stupid, bùt iy mùst cınfes that iy am ùnaibıl tu fòlo yu. For igzampıl, how did yu dıdyus that this man wòz intılecshwıl?”
For hiz ansır Homz clapt the hat ıpòn hiz hed. İt caim riyt ovır the forhed and setıld ıpòn the brij òv hiz noz.
“İt iz a cweschın òv cyubic cıpasıtie,” sed hie, “a man with so làrj a brain mùst hav sùmthiŋ in it.”
“The dıcliyn òv hiz forchunz, then?”
“This hat iz ţhrie yierz old. Thiez flat brimz círld at thie ej caim bac in then. İt iz a hat òv the verie best cwòlıtie. Lúc at the band òv ribd silc and thie ecsılınt liyniŋ. İf this man cúd ıford tu biy so icspensiv a hat ţhrie yierz ıgo, and haz had no hat sins, then hie haz ıshurıdlie gòn doun in the wírld.”
“Wel that iz clier ınùf, sírtınlie. Bùt how ıbout the forsiyt and mòrıl retrıgreshın?”
Shírlòc Homz laft.
“Hier iz the forsiyt,” sed hie, pùtiŋ hiz fiŋgır ıpòn the litıl disc and lup òv the hat sıcyírır.
“Thay àr nevır sold ıpòn hats. İf this man ordırd wùn, it iz a siyn òv a sírtın ımount òv forsiyt, sins hie went out òv hiz way tu taic this prıcorshın ıgenst the wind. Bùt sins wie sie that hie haz brocın thie ılastic and haz nòt trùbıld tu rıplais it, it iz òbvieıs that hie haz les forsiyt now than formırlie, wich iz a distiŋct pruf òv a wiecıniŋ òv naichır. Òn thie ùthır hand, hie haz indevırd tu cınsiel sùm òv thiez stainz ıpòn the felt biy daubiŋ them with iŋc, wich iz a siyn that hie haz nòt intiyırlie lòst hiz self rıspect.”
“Yor riezıniŋ iz sírtınlie plauzıbıl.”
“The fírthır poynts, that hie iz midıl aijd, that hiz her iz grizıld, that it haz riesıntlie bien cùt, and that hie yuzız liym criem, àr aul tu bie gathırd fròm a clos igzaminaishın òv the loır pàrt òv the liyniŋ. The lenz disclozız a làrj nùmbır òv her endz, clien cùt biy the sizırz òv a bàrbır. Thay aul ıpier tu bie ıdhiesiv, and ther iz a distiŋct odır òv liym criem. This dùst, yu wil ıbzírv, iz nòt the gritie gray dùst òv the striet bùt the flùfie broun dùst òv the hous, shoiŋ that it haz bien hùŋ ùp indorz most òv the tiym, wiy’l the màrcs òv moyschır ıpòn thie insiyd àr pruf that the werır pırspiyırd verie frielie, and cúd therfor, hàrdlie bie in the best òv trainiŋ.”
“Bùt hiz wiyf – yu sed that shie had siest tu lòv him.”
“This hat haz nòt bien brùshd for wiecs. Wen iy sie yu, miy der Wòtsın, with a wiecs ıcyumyılaishın òv dùst ıpòn yor hat, and wen yor wiyf ılouz yu tu go out in sùch a stait, iy fier that yu hav bien ùnforchınıt ınùf tu luz yor wiyfs ıfecshın.”
“Bùt hie may bie a bachılır.”
“Nay, hie wòz briŋiŋ hom the gus az a pies òfıriŋ tu hiz wiyf. Rımembır the càrd ıpòn the bírdz leg.”
“Yu hav an ansır tu evrieţhiŋ. Bùt how òn írţh du yu dıdyus that the gas iz nòt laid òn in hiz hous?”
“Wùn talo stain, or eavın tu miyt cùm biy chans, bùt wen iy sie no les than fiyv, iy ţhiŋc that ther can bie litıl dout that thie indıvijwıl mùst bie braut intu friecwınt còntact with bírniŋ talo – waucs ùpsterz at niyt pròbıblie with hiz hat in wùn hand and a gùtıriŋ candıl in thie ùthır. Eniehow, hie nevır gòt talo stainz fròm a gas jet. Àr yu satisfiyd?”
“Wel its verie injienyıs,” sed iy, lafiŋ; “bùt sins, az yu sed jùst now ther haz bien no criym cımitıd, and no hàrm dùn saiv the lòs òv a gus, aul this siemz tu bie rathır a waist òv enırjie.”
Shírlòc Homz had opınd hiz mouţh tu rıpliy, wen the dor flu opın, and Pietırsın, the cımishıner, rùsht intu thie ıpàrtmınt with flùsht chiecs and the fais òv a man hu iz daizd with ıstònishmınt.
“The gus, Mistır Homz! The gus, sír!” hie gaspt.
“Ay? Wòt òv it, then? Haz it rıtírnd tu liyf and flapt òf ţhru the cichın windo?” Homz twistıd himself round ıpòn the sofa tu get a ferır vyu òv the manz icsiytıd fais.
“Sie her, sír! Sie wòt miy wiyf found in its cròp!” Hie held out hiz hand and displaid ıpòn the sentır òv hiz pàlm a brilyıntlie sintılaitiŋ blu ston, rathır smaulır than a bien in siyz, bùt òv sùch pyírıtie and raidiens that it twiŋcıld liyc an ılectric poynt in the dàrc hòlo òv hiz hand.
Shírlòc Homz sat ùp with a wisıl. “Biy jov, Pietırsın!” sed hie, “This iz a trezhır trov indied. İy sıpoz yu no wòt yu hav gòt?”
“A diymınd, sír? a preshıs ston. İt cùts intu glas az tho it wír pùtie.”
“İts mor than a preshıs ston. İt iz thie preshıs ston.”
“Nòt the Countes òv Morcırz Blu Càrbùŋcıl!” iy ıjacyılaitıd.
“Prısiyslie so. İy aut tu no its siyz and shaip, sieiŋ that iy hav red thie advírtısmınt ıbout it in The Tiymz evrie day laitlie. İt iz absılutlie yuniec and its valyu can onlie bie cònjırd, bùt the rıword òfırd òv £1000 iz sírtınlie nòt within a 20ţh pàrt òv the màrcıt priys.”
“£1000! Grait lord òv mírsie!” the cımishıner plùmpt doun intu a cher and sterd fròm wùn tu thie ùthır òv ùs.
“That iz the rıword, and iy hav riezın tu no that ther àr sentımentıl cınsidıraishınz in the bacground wich wúd injus the Countes tu pàrt with haf hír forchun if shie cúd bùt rıcòvır the jem.”
“İt wòz lòst, if iy rımembır ıriyt, at the Hotel Còzmıpòlıtın,” iy rımàrct.
“Prısiyslie so, òn Dısembır 22nd, jùst fiyv daiz ıgo. Jòn Hornır, a plùmır, wòz ıcyuzd òv haviŋ ıbstractıd it fròm the laidiez jul cais. Thie evıdıns ıgenst him wòz so stròŋ that the cais haz bien rıfírd tu thie ısiyzız. İy hav sùm ıcount òv the matır hier, iy bıliev.” Hie rùmıjd ımid hiz nyuzpaipırz, glansiŋ ovır the daits, ıntil at last hie smuthd wùn out, dùbıld it ovır, and red the fòloiŋ pàrıgrafs:
“Hotel Còzmıpòlıtın jul ròbırie. Jòn Hornır, 26, plùmır, wòz braut ùp ıpòn the chàrj òv haviŋ ıpòn the 22nd inst., ıbstractıd fròm the jul cais òv the Countes òv Morcır the valyıbıl jem non az the Blu Càrbùŋcıl. Jaimz Riydır, ùpır ıtendınt at the hotel, gaiv hiz evıdıns tu thie ıfect that hie had shon Hornır ùp tu the dresiŋ rum òv the Countes òv Morcır ıpòn the day òv the ròbırie in ordır that hie miyt soldır the secınd bàr òv the grait, wich wòz lus. Hie had rımaind with Hornır sùm litıl tiym, bùt hie had fiynılie bien cauld ıway. Òn rıtírniŋ, hie found that Hornır had disıpierd, that the buro had bien forst opın, and that the smaul mıròco cascıt in wich, az it aftırwırdz transpiyırd, the Countes wòz ıcùstımd tu ciep hír jul, wòz liyiŋ òn the dresiŋ taibıl. Riydır instıntlie gaiv thie ılàrm, and Hornır wòz ırestıd the saim eavniŋ; bùt the ston cúd nòt bie found eathır ıpòn hiz pírsın or in hiz rumz. Caţhrın Cúsac, maid tu the Countes, dıpozd tu haviŋ hírd Riydırz criy òv dismay òn discòvıriŋ the ròbırie, and tu haviŋ rùshiŋ intu the rum, wer shie found matırz az dıscriybd biy the last witnıs. İnspectır Bradstriet, B Dıvizhın, gaiv evıdıns az tu thie ırest òv Hornır, hu strùgıld franticlie, and protestıd hiz inısıns in the stròŋgıst tírmz. Evıdıns òv a prievies cınvicshın for ròbırie haviŋ bien givın ıgenst the priznır, the majıstrait rıfyuzd tu diel sımerılie with the ıfens, bùt rıfírd it tu thie ısiyzız. Hornır, hu had shon siynz òv intens ımoshın duriŋ the prısiediŋz, faintıd ıway at the cıncluzhın and wòz càried out òv cort.”
“Hùm! So mùch for the pılies cort,” sed Homz ţhautfılie, tòsiŋ ısiyd the paipır. “The cweschın for ùs now tu solv iz the siecwıns òv ıvents liediŋ fròm a riyfıld jul cais at wùn end tu the cròp òv a gus òn thie ùthır. Yu sie, Wòtsın, our litıl dıdùcshınz hav sùdınlie ısyumd a mùch mor importınt and les inısınt aspect. Hier iz the ston; the ston caim fròm the gus, and the gus caim fròm Mistır Henrie Baicır, the jentılmın with the bad hat and aul thie ùthır carıctıristics with wich iy hav bord yu. So now wie mùst set ourselvz verie serieıslie tu fiyndiŋ this jentılmın and wòt pàrt hie haz plaid in this litıl mistrie. Tu du this, wie mùst triy the simplıst mienz fírst, and thies liy ùndoutıdlie in an advírtısmınt in aul thie eavıniŋ paipırz. İf this faiılz, iy shal hav riecors tu ùthır meţhıdz.”
“Wòt wil yu say?”
“Giv mie a pensıl and that slip òv paipır. Now, then: ‘Found at the cornır òv Guj Striet, a gus and a blac felt hat. Mistır Henrie Baicır can hav the saim biy ıpliyiŋ at 6:30 this eavniŋ at 211b, Baicır Striet.’ That iz clier and cınsiys.”
“Verie. Bùt wil hie sie it?”
“Wel, hie iz shír tu ciep an iy òn the paipırz, sins tu a por man, the lòs wòz a hevie wùn. Hie wòz clierlie so scerd biy hiz mischans in braiciŋ the windo and biy thie ıproch òv Pietırsın that hie ţhaut òv nùţhiŋ bùt fliyt, bùt sins then hie mùst hav bitırlie rıgretıd thie impùls wich cauzd him tu dròp hiz bírd. Then, ıgen, thie intrıdùcshın òv hiz naim wil cauz him tu sie it, for evriewùn hu noz him wil dırect hiz ıtenshın tu it. Hier yu àr, Pietırsın, rùn doun tu thie advırtiyziŋ aijınsie and hav this pút in thie eavniŋ paipırz.”
“İn wich, sír?”
“O, in the Glob, Stàr, Pel Mel, SaintJaimzız, Eavniŋ Nyuz, Standırd, Eco, and enie ùthırz that ıcír tu yu.”
“Verie wel, sír. And this ston?”
“À, yes, iy shal ciep the ston. Ţhaŋc yu. And, iy say, Pietırsın, jùst biy a gus òn yor way bac and liev it hier with mie, for wie mùst hav wùn tu giv this jentılmın in plais òv the wùn wich yor famlie iz now dıvouriŋ.”
Wen the cımishıner had gòn, Homz túc ùp the ston and held it ıgenst the liyt. “İts a bònie ţhiŋ,” sed hie. “Jùst sie how it glints and spàrcılz. Òv cors it iz a nyuclies and focıs òv criym. Evrie gúd ston iz. Thay àr the devılz pet baits. İn the làrjır and oldır julz evrie faset may stand for a blúdie died. This ston iz nòt yet 20 yierz old. İt wòz found in the baŋcs òv thie Amoy Rivır in Sùthırn Chiyna and iz rımàrcıbıl in haviŋ evrie carıctıristic òv the càrbùŋcıl, saiv that it iz blu in shaid insted òv rubie red. İn spiyt òv its yuţh, it haz orlredie a sinıstır histrie. Ther hav bien 2 mírdırz, a vitrieıl ‘asid’ ţhroiŋ, a suısiyd, and jenrıl ròbıriez braut ıbout for the saic òv this 40 grain wait òv cristıliyzd chàrcol. Hu wúd ţhiŋc that so pritie a toy wúd bie a pírvaiır tu the galoz and the prizın? İy’l lòc it ùp in miy stròŋ bòcs now and dròp a liyn tu the Countes tu say wie hav it.”
“Du yu ţhiŋc this man Hornır iz inısınt?”
“İy canòt tel.”
“Wel, then, du yu imajın that this ùthır wùn, Henrie Baicır, had enieţhiŋ tu du with the matır?”
“İt iz, iy ţhiŋc, mùch mor liyclie that Henrie Baicır iz an absılutlie inısınt man, hu had no iydiea that the bírd wich hie wòz càrieiŋ wòz òv cınsidırıblie mor valyu than if it wír maid òv sòlid gold. That, houvır, iy shel dıtírmın biy a simpıl test if wie hav an ansır tu our ıdvírtısmınt.”
“And yu can du nùţhiŋ ıntil then?”
“Nùţhiŋ.”
“İn that cais iy shal cıntinyu miy prıfeshınıl round. Bùt iy shal cùm bac in thie eavıniŋ at thie ouır yu hav menshınd, for iy shúd liyc tu sie the sılushın òv so taŋgıld a biznıs.”
“Verie glad tu sie yu. İy diyn at 7. Ther iz a wúdcòc, iy bıliev. Biy the way, in vyu òv riesınt ıcírınsız, pırhaps iy aut tu asc Misız Hùdsın tu igzamın its cròp.”
İy had bien dılaid at a cais, and it wòz a litıl aftır haf past 6 wen iy found miyself in Baicır Striet wùns mor. Az iy ıprocht the hous iy saw a taul man in a scòch bònıt with a cot wich wòz bùtınd ùp tu hiz chin waitiŋ outsiyd in the briyt semie sírcıl wich wòz ţhron fròm the fanliyt. Jùst az iy ıriyvd the dor wòz opınd, and wie wír shon ùp tıgethır tu Homz rum.
“Mistır Henrie Baicır, iy bıliev,” sed hie, riyziŋ fròm hiz àrmcher and grietiŋ hiz vizıtır with thie eazie er òv jienieelıtie wich hie cúd so redılie ısyum. “Pray, taic this cher biy the fiyır, Mistır Baicır. İt iz a cold niyt, and iy ıbzírv that yor sírcyılaishın iz mor ıdaptıd for sùmır than for wintır. À, Wòtsın, yu hav jùst cùm at the riyt tiym. İz that yor hat Mistır Baicır?”
“Yes sír, that iz sírtınlie miy hat.”
Hie wòz a làrj man with roundıd sholdırz, a masiv hed, and a braud, intelıjınt fais, slopiŋ doun tu a pointıd berd òv grizıld broun. A tùch òv red in hiz noz and chiecs, with a sliyt tremır òv hiz icstendıd hand, rıcauld Homz sımiyz az tu hiz habits. Hiz rùstie blac fròc cot wòz bùtınd riyt ùp frùnt, with hiz còlır tírnd ùp, and hiz laŋc rists prıtrudıd fròm hiz slievz without a siyn òv cùf or shírt. Hie spoc in a slo stıcàto fashın, chuziŋ hiz wírdz with cer, and gav thie impreshın jenrılie òv a man òv lírniŋ and letırz hu had had il yusıj at the handz òv forchun.
“Wie hav rıtaind thiez ţhiŋz for sùm dayz,” sed Homz, “bıcòz wie icspectıd tu sie an ıdvírtısmınt fròm yu giviŋ yor ıdres. İy am at a lòs tu no now wiy yu did nòt advırtiyz.”
Our vizıtır gaiv a rathır shaimfaist laf. “Shiliŋz hav nòt bien so plentıfúl with mie az thay wùns wír,” hie rımàrct. “İy had no dout that the gaŋ òv rùfs hu ısùltıd mie had càried òf with boţh miy hat and the bírd. İy did nòt cer tu spend mor mùnie in a hoplıs ıtempt at rıcòvıriŋ them.”
“Verie natrılie. Biy the way, ıbout the bírd, wie wír cımpeld tu eat it.”
“Tu eat it!” Our vizıtır haf roz fròm hiz cher in hiz icsiytmınt.
“Yes, it wúd hav bien òv no yus tu eniewùn had wie nòt dùn so. Bùt iy prızhyum that this ùthır gus ıpòn the siydbord, wich iz ıbout the saim wait and pírfıctlie fresh, wil ansır yor pírpıs eacwılie wel?”
“O, sírtınlie, sírtınlie,” ansırd Mistır Baicır with a siy òv rılief.
“Òv cors, wie stil hav the fethırz, legz, cròp, and so òn òv yor on bírd, so if yu wish ––”
The man bírst intu a hàrtie laf. “Thay miyt bie yusfúl tu mie az relics òv miy ıdvenchır,” sed hie, “bùt bieyònd that iy can hàrdlie sie wòt yus the disjecta membra (latin) òv miy lait ıcwaintıns àr goiŋ tu bie tu mie. No, sír, iy ţhiŋc that, with yor pırmishın, iy wil cınfiyn miy ıtenshın tu thie ecsılınt bírd wich iy pırsiev ıpòn the siydbord.”
Shírlòc Homz glanst shàrplie ıcròs at mie with a sliyt shrùg òv hiz sholdırz.
“Ther iz yor hat, then, and ther iz yor bírd,” sed hie. “Biy the way, wúd it bor yu tu tel mie wer yu gòt thie ùthır wùn fròm? İy am sùmwòt òv a foul fansier, and iy hav seldım sien a betır gron gus.”
“Sírtınlie, sír,” sed Baicır, hu had rizın and tùct hiz nyulie gaind pròpırtie ùndır hiz àrm. “Ther àr a fyu òv ùs hu friecwınt thie Alfa İn, nier the myuzieım – wie àr tu bie found in the myuzieım itself duriŋ the day, yu ùndırstand. This yier our gúd host, Windıgait biy naim, instıtutıd a gus clùb, biy wich, òn cınsidıraishın òv sùm fyu pens a wiec, wie wír each tu rısiev a bírd at Crismıs. Miy pens wír dulie paid, and the rest iz fımilyır tu yu. İy am mùch indetıd tu yu, sír, for a scòch bònıt iz fitıd niethır tu miy yierz nor miy gravıtie.”
With a còmicıl pòmpòsıtie òv manır hie boud sòlımlie tu boţh òv ùs and strod òf ıpòn hiz way.
“So mùch for Mistır Henrie Baicır,” sed Homz wen hie had clozd the dor bıhiynd him. “İt iz cwiyt sírtın that hie noz nùţhiŋ wòt so evır ıbout the matır. Àr yu hùŋgrie, Wòtsın?”
“Nòt pırticyılırlie.”
“Then iy sıjest that wie tírn our dinır intu a sùpır and fòlo ùp this clu wiy’l its stil hòt.”
“Biy aul mienz.”
İt wòz a bitır niyt, so wie dru òn our ùlstız and rapt crıvats ıbout our ţhrots. Outsiyd, the stàrz wír shiyniŋ coldlie in a cloudlıs sciy, and the breţh òv the pasırzbiy blu out intu smoc liyc so menie pistıl shòts. Our fútfaulz raŋ out crisplie and loudlie az wie swùŋ ţhru the Dòctırz Cortır, Wimpol Striet, Hòlie Striet, and so ţhru Wigmor Striet intu Òcsfırd Striet. İn a cortır òv an ouır wie wír in Blumzbrie at thie Alfa İn, wich iz a smaul pùblic hous at the cornır òv wùn òv the striets wich rùnz doun intu Holborn. Homz pùsht opın the dor òv the priyvıt bàr and ordırd 2 glasız òv bier fròm the rùdie faist, wiyt aiprınd landlord.
“Yor bier shúd bie ecsılınt if it iz az gúd az yor gies” sed hie.
“Miy gies!” The man siemd sıpriyzd.
“Yes. İy wòz spieciŋ onlie haf an our ıgo tu mistır Henrie Baicır, hu wòz a membır òv yor gus clùb.”
“À! Yes, iy sie. Bùt yu sie, sír, themz nòt our gies.”
“İndied! Huz, then?”
“Wel, iy gòt the 2 dùzın fròm a sayılzmın in Còvınt Gàrdın.”
“İndied? İy no sùm òv them. Wich wòz it?”
“Brecınrij iz hiz naim.”
“À! İy don’t no him. Wel, hierz tu yor gúd helţh landlord, and pròsperıtie tu yor hous. Gúd niyt.”
“Now for Mistır Brecınrij,” hie cıntinyud, bùtıniŋ ùp hiz cot az wie caim out intu the fròstie er. “Rımembır, Wòtsın that tho wie hav so homlie a ţhiŋ az a gus at wùn end òv this chain, wie hav at thie ùthır a man hu wil sírtınlie get 7 yierz pienıl sírvıchud ınles wie can ıstablish hiz inısıns. İt iz pòsıbıl that our incwiyırie may bùt cinfírm hiz gilt; bùt, in enie cais, wie hav a liyn òv investıgaishın wich haz bien mist biy the pılies, and wich a siŋgyulır chans haz plaist in our handz. Let ùs fòlo it out tu the bitır end. Faisız tu the souţh, then, and cwic màrch!”
Wie past ıcròs Holborn, doun Endıl Striet, and so ţhru a zigzag òv slùmz tu Còvınt Gàrdın Màrcıt. Wùn òv the làrjır staulz bor the naim òv Brecınrij ıpòn it, and the prıpriyıtır, a horsie lúciŋ man, with a shàrp fais and trim siyd wiscırz, wòz helpiŋ a boy tu pút ùp the shùtırz.
“Gúd eavniŋ. İts a cold niyt,” sed Homz.
The sayılzmın nòdıd and shòt a cweschıniŋ glans at miy cımpanyın.
“Sold out òv gies, iy sie,” cıntinyud Homz, pointiŋ at the ber slabz òv màrbıl.
“Let yu hav 500 tımòro morniŋ.”
“Thats no gúd.”
“Wel, ther àr sùm òn the staul with the gas fler.”
“À, bùt iy wòz recımendıd tu yu.”
“Hu biy?”
“The landlord òv thie Alfa.”
“O, yes; iy sent him a cùpıl òv dùzın.”
“Fiyn bírdz thay wír tu. Now wer did yu get them fròm?”
Tu miy sırpriyz, the cweschın prıvoct a bírst òv aŋgır fròm the sayılzmın.
“Now, then, mistır,” sed hie, with hiz hed còct and hiz àrmz ıcimbo, “wòt àr yu driyviŋ at? Lets hav it strait, now.”
“İts strait ınùf. İy shúd liyc tu no hu sold yu the gies wich yu sıpliyd tu thie Alfa.”
“Wel then, iy shant tel yu. So now!”
“O, it iz a matır òv no importıns; bùt iy don’t no wiy yu shúd bie so worm ovır sùch a triyfıl.”
“Worm! Yuıd bie az worm, maibie, if yu wír az pestırd az iy am. Wen iy pay gúd mùnie for a gúd àrtıcıl ther shúd bie an end av the biznıs; bùt its ‘wer àr thiez gies?’ and ‘hu did yu sel the gies tu?’ and ‘wòt wil yu taic for the gies?’. Wùn wúd ţhiŋc thay wír thie onlie gies in the wírld, tu hier the fùs that iz maid ovır them.”
“Wel, iy hav no cınecshın with enie ùthır piepıl hu hav bien maiciŋ incwiyıriez,” sed Homz cerlıslie. “İf yu won’t tel ùs the bet iz òf, that iz aul. Bùt iym aulwaiz redie tu bac miy ıpinyın òn a matır òv foulz, and iy hav a fiyvır òn it that the bírd iy ait iz cùntrie bred.”
“Wel, then, yuıv lòst yor fiyvır, for its toun bred,” snapt the sayılzmın.
“İts nùţhiŋ òv the ciynd.”
“İy say it iz.”
“İy don’t bıliev it.”
“Du yu ţhiŋc yu no mor ıbout foulz than iy, hu haz handıld them evır sins iy wòz a nipır? İy tel yu, aul thoz bírdz that went tu thie Alfa wír toun bred.”
“Yuıl nevır pírswaid mie tu bıliev that.”
“Wil yu bet, then?”
“İts mierlie taiciŋ yor mùnie, for iy no that iy am riyt. Bùt iy’l hav a sòvrın òn with yu, jùst tu tiech yu nòt tu bie òbsinıt.”
The sayılzmın chùcıld grimlie. “Briŋ mie the búcs, Bil,” sed hie.
The smaul boy braut round a smaul ţhin vòlyum and a grait griesie bact wùn, layiŋ them out tıgethır bınieţh the haŋiŋ lamp.
“Now then, Mistır Còcshor,” sed the sayılzmın, “iy ţhaut that iy wòz out òv gies, bùt bıfor iy finısh yu’l fiynd that ther iz stil wùn left in miy shòp. Yu sie this litıl búc?”
“Wel?”
“Thats the list òv the foc fròm hum iy biy. Du yu sie? Wel, then, hier òn this paij àr the cùntrie foc, and the nùmbırz aftır ther naimz àr wer ther ıcounts àr in the big lejır. Now, then! Yu sie this ùthır paij in red iŋc? Wel, that iz a list òv miy toun sıpliyırz. Now, lúc at that ţhírd naim. Jùst ried it out tu mie.”
“Misız Ocshòt, 117, Bricstın Rod – 249,” red Homz.
“Cwiyt so. Now tírn ùp that lejır.”
Homz tírnd tu the paij indıcaitıd. “Hier yu àr, ‘Misız Ocshòt, 117, Bricstın Rod, eg and pòltrie sıpliyır.”
“Now, then, wòts the last entrie?”
“Dısembır 22nd. 24 gies at 7s. 6d.”
“Cwiyt so. Ther yu àr. And ùndırnieţh?”
“ ‘Sold tu Mistır Windıgait òv thie Alfa, at 12s’ “
“Wòt hav yu tu say now?”
Shírlòc Homz lúct dieplie shıgrind. Hie dru a fyu sòvrınz fròm hiz pòcıt and ţhru them doun ıpòn the slab, tírniŋ ıway with thie er òv a man huz disgùst iz tu diep for wírdz. A fyu yàrdz òf hie stòpt ùndır a lamp post and laft in the hàrtie, noizlıs fashın wich wòz pırcyulier tu him.
“Wen yu sie a man with wiscırz òv that cùt and the ‘piŋc ın’ prıtrudiŋ out òv hiz pòcıt, yu can aulwaiz draw him biy a bet,” sed hie. “İy der say that if iy had pút £100 doun in frùnt òv him, that man wúd nòt hav givın mie sùch cımpliet infırmaishın az wòz draun fròm him biy thie iydie that hie wòz duiŋ mie òn a waijır. Wel, Wòtsın, wie àr, iy fansie, nieriŋ thie end òv our cwest, and thie onlie point wich rımainz tu bie dıtírmınd iz wethır wie shúd go òn tu this Misız Ocshòt tıniyt, or wethır wie shúd rızírv it for tımòro. İt iz clier fròm wòt that sírlie felo sed that ther àr ùthırz bısiydz ourselvz hu àr aŋshıs ıbout the matır, and iy shúd –”
Hiz rımàrcs wír sùdınlie cùt short biy a loud hùbùb wich broc out fròm the staul wich wie had jùst left. Tírniŋ round wie saw a litıl rat faist felo standiŋ in the sentır òv the sírcıl òv yelo liyt wich wòz ţhron biy the swiŋiŋ lamp, wiy’l Brecınrij, the sayılzmın, fraimd in the dor òv hiz staul, wòz shaiciŋ hiz fists fierslie at the crinjiŋ figır.
“İy’v had ınùf òv yu an yor gies,” hie shoutıd. “İy wish yu wír aul the devıl tıgethır. İf yu cùm pestırin mie enie mor with yor silie tauc iy’l set the dòg òn yu. Yu briŋ Misız Ocshòt hier and iy’l ansır hír, bùt wòt hav yu tu du with it? Did iy biy the gies òf yu?”
“No; bùt wùn òv them wòz miyn aul the saim,” wiynd the litıl man.
“Wel, then, asc Misız Ocshòt for it”
“Shie told mie tu asc yu.”
“Wel, yu can asc the Ciŋ òv Prùsha, for aul iy cer. İy’v had ınùf òv it. Get out òv this!” Hie rùsht fierslie forwırd, and thie incwiyırır flitıd ıway intu the dàrcnıs.
“Ha! This may saiv ùs a vizıt tu Bricstın Rod,” wispırd Homz. “Cùm with mie, and wie wil sie wòt iz tu bie maid òv this felo.” Striydiŋ ţhru the scatırd nòts òv piepıl hu lounjd round the fleriŋ staulz, miy cımpanyın spiedılie ovırtúc the litıl man and tùcht him òn the sholdır. Hie spraŋ round, and iy cúd sie in the gas liyt that evrie vestıj òv cùlır had bien drivın fròm hiz fais.
“Hu àr yu, then? Wòt du yu wònt?” hie asct in a cwaivıriŋ vois.
“Yu wil icscyuz mie,” sed Homz blandlie, “bùt iy cúd nòt help ovırhieriŋ the cweschınz wich yu pút tu the sayılzmın jùst now. İy ţhiŋc that iy cúd bie òv ısistıns tu yu.”
“Yu? Hu àr yu? How cúd yu no enieţhiŋ òv the matır?”
“Miy naim iz Shírlòc Homz. İt iz miy biznıs tu no wòt ùthır piepıl don’t no.”
“Bùt yu can no nùţhiŋ òv this?”
“İcscyuz mie, iy no evrieţhiŋ òv it. Yu àr indevıriŋ tu trais sùm gies wich wír sold biy Misız Ocshòt, òv Bricstın Rod, tu a sayılzmın naimd Brecınrij, biy him in tírn tu Mistır Windıgait, òv thie Alfa, and biy him tu hiz clùb, òv wich Henrie Baicır is a membır.”
“O, sír, yu àr the verie man hum iy hav lòŋd tu miet,” criyd the litıl felo with outstrecht handz and cwivıriŋ fiŋgırz. “İy can hàrdlie icsplain how intrıstıd iy am in this matır.”
Shírlòc Homz haiıld a for wielır wich wòz pasiŋ. “İn that cais wie had betır dıscùs it in a cozie rum rathır than in this wind swept màrcıt plais,” sed hie. “Bùt pray tel mie, bıfor wie go fàthır, hu iz it that iy hav the plezhır òv ısistiŋ?”
The man hesıtaitıd for an instınt. “Miy naim iz Jòn Ròbınsın,” hie ansırd with a siydlòŋ glans.
“No, no; the riel naim,” sed Homz swietlie. “İt iz aulwaiz aucwıd duiŋ biznıs with an ailieıs.”
A flùsh spraŋ tu the wiyt chiecs òv the strainjır. “Wel then,” sed hie, “miy riel naim iz Jaimz Riydır.”
“Prısiyslie so. Hed ıtendınt at the Hotel Còzmıpòlıtın. Pray step intu the cab, and iy shal sun bie aibıl tu tel yu evrieţhiŋ wich yu wúd wish tu no.”
The litıl man stúd glansiŋ fròm wùn tu thie ùthır òv ùs with haf friytınd, haf hopfúl iyz, az wùn hu iz nòt shor wethır hie iz òn the vírj òv a windfaul or òv a cıtastrıfie. Then hie stept intu the cab, and in haf an ouır wie wír bac in the sitiŋ rum at Baicır Striet. Nùţhiŋ had bien sed duriŋ our driyv, bùt the hiy, ţhin briethiŋ òv our nyu cımpanyın, and the claspiŋz and ùnclaspiŋz òv hiz handz, spoc òv the nírvıs tenshın within him.
“Hier wie àr!” sed Homz chierılie az wie fiyld intu the rum. “The fiyır lúcs verie siezınıbıl in this wethır. Yu lúc cold, Mistır Riydır. Pray taic the bascıt cher. İy wil jùst pút òn miy slipırz bıfor wie setıl this litıl matır òv yorz. Now, then! Yu wònt tu no wòt bıcaim òv thos gies?”
“Yes, sír.”
“Or rathır, iy fansie, òv that gus. İt wòz wùn bírd, iy imajın in wich yu wír intrıstıd – wiyt, with a blac bàr ıcròz the tayıl.”
Riydır cwivırd with ımoshın. “O, sír” hie criyd, “can yu tel mie wer it went tu?”
“İt caim hier.”
“Hier?”
“Yes, and a most rımàrcıbıl bírd it pruvd. İy don’t wùndır that yu shúd taic an intrıst in it. İt laid an eg aftır it wòz ded – the bòniest, briytıst litıl blu eg that wòz sien. İy hav it hier in miy myuziem.”
Our vizıtır stagırd tu hiz fiet and clùcht the mantılpies with hiz riyt hand. Homz ùnlòct hiz stròŋ bòcs and held ùp the Blu Càrbùŋcıl, wich shòn out liyc a stàr, with a cold, brilyınt, menie pointıd raidieiıns. Riydır stúd gleriŋ with a draun fais, ùnsírtın wethır tu claim or tu dison it.
“The gaimz ùp, Riydır,” sed Homz cwiyıtlie. “Hold ùp, man, or yu’l bie intu the fiyır! Giv him an àrm bac intu hiz cher, Wòtsın. Hiez nòt gòt blùd ınùf tu go in for felınie with impyunıtie. Giv him a dash òv brandie. So! Now hie lúcs a litıl mor hyumın. Wòt a Shrimp it iz, tu bie shor!”
For a momınt hie had stagırd and nielie faulın, bùt the brandie braut a tinj òv cùlır intu hiz chiecs, and hie sat steriŋ with friytınd iyz at hiz ıcyuzır.
“İy hav aulmost evrie liŋc in miy handz, and aul the prufs wich iy pòsıblie nied, so ther iz litıl wich yu nied tu tel mie. Stil, that litıl may az wel bie clerd ùp tu maic the cais cımpliet. Yu had hírd, Riydır, òv this blu ston òv the Countes òv Morcırz?”
“İt wòz Caţhrin Cúsac hu told mie òv it,” sed hie in a cracliŋ vois.
“İy sie – Hír Laidieships waitiŋ maid. Wel, the temptaishın òv sùdın welţh so eazılie ıcwiyırd wòz tu mùch for yu, az it haz bien for betır men bıfor yu; bùt yu wír nòt verie scrupyılıs in the mienz yuzd. İt siemz tu mie, Riydır, that ther iz the maiciŋ òv a verie pritie vilın in yu. Yu nyu that this man Hornır, the plùmır, had bien cınsírnd in sùm sùch matır bıfor, and that sıspishın wúd rest the mor redılie òn him. Wòt did yu du, then? Yu maid sùm smaul jòb in Miy Laidiez rum – yu and yor cınfedırıt Cúsac – and yu manıjd that hie shúd bie the man sent for. Then, wen hie had left, yu riyfıld the jul cais, raizd thie ılàrm, and had this ùnforchunıt man ırestıd. Yu then –”
Riydır ţhru himself doun sùdınlie ıpòn the rùg and clùcht at miy cımpanyınz niez. “For gòdz saic, hav mírsie!” hie Shriect. “Ţhiŋc òv miy dier fathır! Òv miy dier mùthır! İt wúd braic ther hàrts! İy nevır went ròŋ bıfor! İy nevır wil ıgen. İy swer it. İy’l swer it òn a biybıl. O, don’t briŋ it tu cort! For Criysts saic, don’t!”
“Get bac in yor cher!” sed Homz stírnlie. “İt iz verie wel tu crinj and craul now, bùt yu ţhaut litıl ınùf òv this por Hornır in the dòc for a criym òv wich hie nyu nùţhiŋ.”
“İy wil fliy, Mistır Homz. İy wil liev the cùntrie, sír. Then the chàrj ıgenst him wil braic doun.”
“Hùm! Wie wil tauc ıbout that. And now let ùs hier a tru ıcount òv the necst act. How caim the ston intu the gus, and how caim the gus intu thie opın màrcıt? Tel ùs the truţh, for ther liyz yor onlie saiftie.”
Riydır past hiz tùŋ ovır hiz pàrcht lips. “İy wil tel yu it jùst az it hapınd, sír,” sed hie. “Wen Hornır had bien ırestıd, it siemd tu mie that it wúd bie best for mie tu get ıway with the ston at wùns, for iy did nòt no at wòt momınt the pılies miyt nòt taic it intu ther hedz tu sírch mie and miy rum. Ther wòz no plais ıbout the hotel wer it wúd bie saif. İy went out, az if òn sùm cımishın, and iy maid for miy sistır”z hous. Shie had màried a man naimd Ocshòt, and livd òn Bricstın Rod, wer shie fatınd foulz for the màrcıt. Aul the way ther evrie man siemd tu mie tu bie a pıliesmın or a dıtectiv; and, for aul that it wòz a cold niyt, the swet wòz poriŋ doun miy fais bıfor iy caim tu the Bricstın Rod. Miy sistır asct mie wòt wòz the matır, and wiy iy wòz so paiıl; bùt iy told hír that iy had bien ùpset biy the jul ròbırie at the hotel. Then iy went intu the bacyàrd and smoct a piyp and wùndırd wòt it wúd bie best tu du.
“İy had a frend wùns cauld Maudzlie, hu went tu the bad, and haz jùst bien sírviŋ hiz tiym in Pentınvil. Wùn day hie had met mie, and fel intu tauc ıbout the wayz òv ţhievz, and how thay get rid òv ţhiŋz thay stol. İy nyu that hie wúd bie tru tu mie, for iy nyu wùn or tu ţhiŋz ıbout him; so iy maid ùp miy miynd tu go riyt òn tu Cilbírn, wer hie livd, and taic him intu miy cònfıdıns. Hie wúd sho mie how tu tírn the ston intu mùnie. Bùt how tu get tu him in saiftie? İy ţhaut òv thie agıniez iy had gòn ţhru in cùmiŋ fròm the hotel. İy miyt at enie momınt bie siezd and sírcht, and ther wúd bie the ston in miy waiscot pòcıt. İy wòz lieniŋ ıgenst the waul at the tiym and lúciŋ at the gies wich wír wòdliŋ round miy fiet, and sùdınlie an iydiea caim intu miy hed wich shod mie how iy cúd biet the best dıtectiv that evır livd.
“Miy sistır had told mie sùm wiecs bıfor that iy miyt hav the pic òv hír gies for a Crismıs prezınt, and iy nyu that shie wòz aulwayz az gúd az hír wírd. İy wúd taic miy gus now, and in it, iy wúd càrie miy ston tu Cilbírn. Ther wòz a litıl shed in the yàrd, and bıhiynd this iy drov 1 òv the bírdz – a fiyn big wùn, wiyt, with a bàrd tayıl. İy cort it, and priyiŋ its bil opın, iy ţhrùst the ston doun its ţhrot az fàr az iy cúd riech. The bírd gav a yelp, and iy felt the ston pas ılòŋ its gùlıt and doun its cròp. Bùt the criechır flapt and strùgıld, and out caim miy sistır tu no wòt wòz the matır. Az iy tírnd tu spiec tu hír the brut broc lus and flùtırd òf ımùŋ thie ùthırz.
“ ‘Wòtevır wír yu duiŋ with that bírd, Jem?’ sez shie.
“ ‘Wel’, sed iy, ‘yu sed yu’d giv mie wùn for Crismıs, and iy wòz fieliŋ wich wòz the fatıst.’
“ ‘O,’ sez shie, ‘wie’v set yorz ısiyd for yu – Jemz bírd, wie caul it. İts the big wiyt wùn ovır yòndır. Therz twentie sics òv them, wich maics wùn for yu, and wùn for ùs, and tu dùzın for the màrcıt.’
“ ‘Ţhaŋc yu, Magie,’ sez iy; ‘bùt if it iz aul the saim tu yu, iy’d rathır hav that wùn iy wòz handıliŋ jùst now.’
“ ‘Thie ùthır iz a gúd ţhrie pound hevieır,’ sed shie, ‘and wie fatınd it icspreslie for yu.’
“ ‘Nevır miynd. İy’l hav thie ùthır, and taic it now,’ sed iy.
“ ‘O, jùst az yu liyc,’ sed shie a litıl hùft. ‘Wich iz it yu wònt, then?’
“ ‘That wiyt wùn with the bàrd tayıl, riyt in the midıl òv the flòc.’
“ ‘O, verie wel. Cil it and taic it with yu.’
“Wel, iy did wòt shie sed, Mistır Homz, and iy càried the bírd aul the way tu Cilbírn. İy told miy pal wòt iy had dùn, for hie wòz a man that it wòz eazie tu tel a ţhiŋ liyc that tu. Hie laft ıntil hie choct, and wie gòt a niyf and opınd the gus. Miy hàrt tírnd tu wàtır, for ther wòz no siyn òv the ston, and iy nyu that sùm terıbıl mistaic had ıcírd. İy left the bírd, rùsht bac tu miy sistır”z, and huried intu the bacyàrd. Ther wòz nòt a bírd tu bie sien ther.
“ ‘Wer àr thay aul, Magie?’ iy criyd.
“ ‘Gòn tu the dielırz, Jem.’
“ ‘Wich dielırz?’
“ ‘Brecınrij, òv Còvınt Gàrdın.’
“ ‘Bùt wòz ther ınùthır with a bàrd tayıl?’ iy asct, ‘the saim az the wùn iy choz?’
“ ‘Yes, Jem; ther wír tu bàrd tayıld wùnz, and iy cúd nevır tel them ıpàrt.’
“Wel, then, òv cors iy saw it aul, and iy ran òf az hàrd az miy fiet wúd càrie mie tu this man Brecınrij; bùt hie had sold the lòt at wùns, and nòt wùn wírd wúd hie tel mie az tu wer thay had gòn. Yu hírd him yorselvz tıniyt. Wel, hie haz aulwayz ansırd mie liyc that. Miy sistır ţhiŋcs iy am goiŋ mad. Sùmtiymz iy ţhiŋc that iy am miyself. And now – and now iy am miyself brandıd a ţhief, without evır haviŋ tùcht welţh for wich iy sold miy carıctır. Gòd help mie! Gòd help mie!” hie bírst intu cınvùlsiv sòbiŋ, with hiz fais beried in hiz handz.
Ther wòz a lòŋ siylıns, brocın onlie biy hiz hevie briethiŋ and biy the mezhırd tapiŋ òv Shírlòc Homz fiŋgır tips ıpòn thie ej òv the taibıl. Then miy frend roz and ţhru opın the dor.
“Get out!” sed hie.
“Wòt, sír! O, hevın bles yu!”
“No mor wírdz. Get out!”
And no mor wírdz wír niedıd. Ther wòz a rùsh, a clatır ıpòn the sterz, the baŋ òv a dor, and the crisp ratıl òv rùniŋ fútfaulz fròm the striet.
“Aftır aul, Wòtsın,” sed Homz, riechiŋ ùp hiz hand for hiz clay piyp, “iy am nòt rıtaind biy the pılies tu sıpliy ther dıfishınsiez. İf Hornır wír in dainjır it wúd bie ınùthır ţhiŋ; bùt this felo wil nòt ıper ıgenst him, and the cais mùst cılaps. İy sıpoz that iy am cımyutiŋ a felınie, bùt it iz jùst pòsıbıl that iy am saiviŋ a sol. This felo wil nòt go ròŋ ıgen; hie iz tu terıblie friytınd. Send him tu jayıl now, and yu maic him a jayıl bírd for liyf. Bısiydz, it iz the siezın òv fırgivnıs. Chans haz pút in our way a most siŋgyılır and wimzicıl pròblım, and its sılushın iz its on rıword. İf yu wil hav the gúdnıs tu tùch the bel, dòctır, wie wil bıgin ınùthır investıgaishın, in wich, aulso ınùthır bírd wil bie the chief fiechır.”
Thie Ecspresiv İŋglish Alfıbet 